Just because...

I was tooling around FB, trying to get caught up with everyone and found a pic of the hubs and I that I don't have a copy of anymore on my aunt's page! YAY!

The Lord and Lady of Geekdom.

<3 this man!!

Oh, and in reference to the earlier post...SG's Caller ID for me "Sexy", his ringtone...

"Sexy Bitch"-Buck Cherry

teehee...giggles

Hot Mama...

I have to admit, I have a bit of a body issue.

This is me at 16. I weighed 108lbs (most of it was in my bust)

18 months later I had my daughter. I lost most of my weight after I had her.

Then I got pregnant again, and again, and again. 4 kids in 8 years.

I didn't overeat, in fact I ate only what i needed to. The kids and the preganancies were not the only reason I gained weight. I had two very difficult relationships that ended badly. I lost who I was (I am still looking, btw)

The last 15 years have not been kind to me. Stress=layers of goo that refuse to go away unless I am constantly moving, no matter how healthy or little I eat. I have the metabolism of a hippo...or as my very hillbilly neighbor (whom I adore) said, I am "a snapping turtle at the bottom of the pond". Low resting heart rate, low blood pressure, low respiration, low body temp, which all translates to my body doesn't burn anything I take in, ESPECIALLY if I am stressed, unless I am in a fast paced job like waiting tables. I can't do that anymore. I don't mind the work, but I like being at home with my family at night, especially during the school year. I also partially tore the miniscus in my right knee...but most of all, I put myself seriously in debt to have a career that may or may not get back on track. (Don't get me wrong, I will do any job that I need to in order to take care of my family, I just have my preferences)

Anywho, back to the post. >.> I ramble, its my thing.

As you have probably noticed, there aren't many pictures of me on my blog.

There's that one, in the garden, blech.

As of the last time I was anywhere near a scale, I was exactly double my weight in the above picture.

DOUBLE.

Here's the thing. I have always been confident in my abilities, my skills, my personality etc...looks, not so much. I have hated the way that I look for a long time. I hate that I have a belly flap, just skin, from having so many kids. I hate that I have rolls, like a bakery rack. But my dear hubby, Sir Geek, loves it. Loves ME. Can't imagine me at 160 lbs, let alone 108. Thinks I am dead sexy and reminds me of it daily. He calls me beautiful, sexy, amazing, and I wave him off, like "ok, right, whatever". But I know he means it.

My hillbilly neighbor and I had a chat last week while sitting by the pool watching the kids have a blast. He said "I noticed that you never get in the pool. Why is that?" I told him that I would rather not scar everyone for life, tyvm! He said, "What??? Gimme a break!" I just looked at him. His wife is a big girl, she had a hysterectemy 10 years ago and gained quite a bit of weight and hasn't been able to lose it, either. But she couldn't care less. She'd like to weigh less, for health's sake, but she thinks she's hot....so does he. She'll get all dolled up to go out in a miniskirt, cowboy boots, and a lowcut shirt and all sorts of sparklies. She looks SEXY! HB told me, you know, you've had a crazy life and have given birth to 4 kids...the weight you carry may not be what you prefer, but its a badge of honor. How you look is all about how you feel about yourself. Well, I usually feel like a burlap sackful of potatoes. That explains why I look that way most of the time.

Hmm.

I know I am not the only one.

I have so many friends that I know feel the same way, as do quite a few bloggers that I have read.

So what happens when we stop trying to be who we were at 16, 17, 18...22, 25, 30, etc and just BE us. ALL of us, all 200+ lbs of ourselves? Don't misunderstand me, its not healthy to be overweight, don't go binging on donuts, or chips, or whatever your choice of posion is. I eat healthy, I love to cook, I use fresh foods, usually organic if I can find it. I don't eat a bunch of processed foods, I barely eat sugar. I know my insides work well. Its my outside that has an issue. Would I like to weigh less? Well, duh. Do I think obsessing over the fact that I don't look like the above picture is healthy? Hell no. I realized that as long as I fret about it, I will never be motivated to do anything because all my energy goes into worrying. (I am also a worrywort, its another of my things, drives hubby crazy) I want to be happy being who I am and not have it all dependent on my looks. I am a smart, funny, talented, creative, well-spoken, loving, caring, kind, respectful, strong, independent, sweet, outgoing, outspoken, adaptable, silly, well-educated, well-rounded (HAH) easy-going, proud, not-too-proud, friendly, likeable, respectable woman that loves to cook, sing, dance, laugh, play, love and has an amazingly wonderful family and friends that really couldn't care less about how much I weigh.

Why isn't that enough?

Well...it should be.

It's gonna be.

What made me start thinking about this?? Hehe

"Hot Mama"-Trace Adkins *fans self*

Heard it in the car on my way to the post office this morning.

Go listen to it. Watch the video, (its a little racy, no kids is probably a good idea)

I love my Geek. He thinks I am one Hot Mama.

Well, I think so, too.

<3

A Cutesy Post...

So, Father's Day was great, spent a good portion of the day at Sir Geek's dad's place. Three generations of those boys in one place with the women that love them eating and hanging out...most definitly a good day. We went 4-wheeling around the 10 acres or so and petted the beautiful horses that his dad has. We had planned to go riding, but it was 104 degrees....in the shade...too hot to saddle up the poor beasts. ;o)

The best part of the day, however, had to be waking up to cards slipped under our door...here's the ones from the youngest 2, stupid scanner died on me so I can't post the others. They're great.

Hope they make you smile like they did us!

Who is less than a smart one?

THIS chick! *points at self accusingly*

For those of you that don't know, I live in Mississippi and have started a garden. I have been really good about watering in the early morning so that the water is absorbed before the major heat of the day starts...but guess what I KEEP doing? Trying to weed, at 12:30...duh! I think the heat melts my brain daily and makes me forget just how much it SUCKS to squat over super-heated dark soil, fumbling around attempting to foil the crabgrass's plot to conquer my little patch of green heaven!! Bleh

On the other hand, I now have nearly 20 tomatoes growing! YAY! So what if they are less than an inch in diameter. I haven't killed them yet!!! Huzzah!

The watermelon and cucumber plants are spreading like crazy, and both have tendrils started, as well as a few blossoms...sooo, maybe fruit soon?

Everything else is taking its time. One thing I am definitly learning from this experiment is PATIENCE, something that has been seriously lacking in my life for a while. Although, it is pretty nifty to wake up early to water and see all the overnight growth and blossoming. Funny thing is, the tomato plant that fruited first (Better Boy) is the shrimpiest one of all! All of the others are at least 2.5 ft tall, most are almost 5ft...BB is only 18 inches.  I hope he hits a growth spurt soon!

Yes, that is my chubby, bright-white self with my middle son, the Bubba. He's always eager to help mom, especially if it makes him look better than his lazy brothers. >.>

I love this pic!  :o)

I hate hurting people...no, really.

Why does it seem to be that when something is really bothering you, or is a long standing issue, the only way to get a point across or stand up for yourself is to hurt someone that you care about? I hate it. It makes me feel like a tiny, shriveled up little raisin. Bleh.

Why, oh why...

when the house is calm and quiet and I am the only one awake, do I feel the need to look up people from my past? Some of them I miss, its cool to get in touch with them again. However, that was not the case last night.

The story:

I log into FB once more before bed to check on my baby-having brood of friends and the ones battling sickness and I glance at the section for Friend Suggestions, just cuz, its there. Well, guess who is their suggestion for me tonight? My ex-husband, whom I haven't heard from (except to email me that his oldest brother passed from liver and kidney failure due to a lifetime of alcoholism...which is the ex's biggest vice) since January of 2009. We had been divorced almost a year, separated almost 3 and I finally got fed up with his calling at weird times (when the kids were definitly not available) so I told him that I would no longer answer the phone when he called, he was to call and talk to the kids, and not expect me to entertain him for 2 hours and then blow them off. When I sent the email, my dear hubby, Sir Geek, made a bet with me, that if he couldn't talk to me, he would stop calling entirely...I acted all optimistic, "no, he loves his kids, he'll call them" even though he had only really talked to them 10 times in the 3 years he was in Iraq....needless to say, SG won the bet and now gets to remind me constantly how he can read the ex like a book. He never called again, only responded to an email I sent about him overdrafting our joint account that he refused to close.

Anywho...so, last night, like a goob, I clicky-ed on his little grinning thumbnail, and see nothing but AMGFarmVille on his wall...until about halfway down where I see a picture that he was tagged in, cheesin' it playing with another woman's 2 year old son...broke my heart a little.

Not for me, I loved him with all I had, lost a lot of myself trying to make our marriage work, let my kids down when I fell apart everytime he sent me on a rollercoaster ride from hell. But I have moved past that, I don't hate him, couldn't...its not in me to do so. (heck, I am even on speaking, tentative friendly terms with my ex fiancee that left me 11 weeks pregnant with a 1 yr old at 19 for one of his many flings) A little bit of the heartbreak was for my kids, but only a little. They're amazing and resiliant and absolutely adore SG, they don't ever ask or talk about him anymore. The older two harbor some hurt and anger for both their bio adopted dad, but that will be something that they have to be willing to work on.

Surprisingly, most of the pain was for him, the ex, the guy grinning it up, playing with another boychild, that for all I know could be his. He has no idea what he has lost and allowed my dear SG to enjoy with my crew of royal pains. I see my kids laughing and playing and loving on SG and myself with such freedom that they never felt around their father. They were scared to try and get close to him, because he would always shut them out just when they got comfortable. That is who I felt the pain for. He doesn't seem to care, there's been no emails, no attempts at phone calls, no letters, nothing...Is there something wrong with me that I am so empathetic that what should bother others gets to me more?

Then I look at my family again, and my heart lifts.

Pool+12 kids=mayhem in the making!