Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Pouring My Heart Out: A Football Team and Two Cheerleaders.

 I grew up as an only child with a military father and a professional mother. I ALWAYS wanted siblings, especially as often as we moved. I grew up hearing my mom refer to her dream family as "a football team and 2 cheerleaders" She always wanted a house-full. After my parents divorced and remarried, I became the oldest of 4 (then 3, long story). I love my late arriving siblings, but we are not nearly as close as I would like to be, we just don't have that connection that is developed at a young age. I knew that I wanted to have at least 2 kids because I didn't want my children to be as lonely as I was, at home, growing up.

I had my first at 17, and my second at 19. Their father and I split when I was 11 weeks pregnant. I was so scared about being alone that I gave my heart to the first man that showed me attention and seemed to want to be a father to my children (he was military and we spent the first 18 months apart) . We had 2 more children in our marriage of 10 years. I found out the hard way that he just didn't know how to be a father, at all.

None of my kids were planned. They were all "failures" in contraception.
I believe that there is a reason for every one of them.

I have been remarried for almost 2 years to the most amazing man ever. He loves my kids like his own. He is my rock. Even though we have differences of opinion, we always work things out and love each other relentlessly. He is younger than me by 9 years and has told me that he is perfectly happy with our family the way we are now.

I want to have more children with this man.

He has told me that he is not sure that he wants to, but that it might change in a few years. 

I am 32. 

I feel like I am supposed to have a large family.

I have also been on birth control on and off for 15 years, mostly on.

 I am 45 pounds oveweight and my doctor has told me that based on my diet and activity, the only reason he can find for not being able to lose weight, my bad joints, etc is the fact that I have been on the pill almost half my life.

 I want to stop taking it and let things happen as they will.

The biggest fear is the finacial part. I know that we will be taken care of, that things will happen as they should, in His way, on His schedule.
But I am AFRAID!

 I am currently a semi-employed (I will sub until I find a full-time postion) teacher, and my husband's job doesn't provide healthcare.

 I want to just be able to let go and let is so hard.


Lindsey said...

I don't know if you're lookin for advice here or not... so if you're not then stop reading now! ;)

You know I love you. And I'm pretty sure you know I am fairly non-religious. Knowing these two things, I think you need to give your husband priority in this decision. You could totally come off the pill and you guys could use condoms (though believe me, I know how less-than-fun that is). But don't let "god" decide when and if you have more kids with your husband. If he's not ready, and you get pregnant, that could cause some MAJOR stress in your relationship! I don't know if he's a spiritual as you are, but it certainly doesn't sound like he just wants god to take the wheel. You know, probably better than anyone, that a man who isn't ready to be a father won't be one. Let him tell you when he's ready and find another way around the birth control pill.

Frugal Vicki said...

I understand how you is so frustrating isn't it?

Shell said...

It's so hard to know when your family is complete. I hated being on birth control, though. Not that that is why I had 3 kids in 3 years, though. LOL

Good luck figuring out what is best for your family!

Jessica said...

Hi thanks for following me! It's nice to meet you! So, you don't mind unsolicited advice from strangers, right? ;-) I totally understand your desire for more babies. I'm there with you. My advice, which I always try to remember to take myself, is to only do those things that you and your husband mutually agree on.

I finally decided that if I'm going to have another child then God is going to have to be the one to convince my hubs. Both of them know my desire and both of them love me.

I do my best to not bring it up to often with my husband. And I always ask God for peace, no matter what path He choices for me/us. I also want to remember to be present with the two little souls that has already been placed in my care.

It's not easy and I'm not trying to make it sound that way. It's an almost daily surrender for me as I watch my little girl grow and wonder if she will be my last "little one".

Thanks for PYHO with us. ::big hug::

Diane said...

It is so hard to "let go and trust God". I struggle with that every single day. ((Hugs))

Draea Lael (Rose) said...

@Linds and Jessica: I totally agree with you! I would NEVER do something this big without Sir Geek being on board. He is a good Christian man in his head and heart with a lot of baggage. I think that he is more afraid of not being a good dad to the kids we have when we have one together. My desire to let go and let God is more of a desire for less stress and worry about what is, or is not, happening in my life. I hate all of my issues that are primarily due to long-term BC use, but right now, it is what I have to do. We had a bit of a "scare" last year when I was showing ALL the signs of being pregnant. We spent a lot of time talking about it. He was very honest about the fact that he never thought he would be in a long-term relationship, especially one that resulted in kids. That he was so happy we met and wouldn't change a thing about how his life had progressed so far. He loves the kids, wants nothing but the best for them and can't stand the way my ex treated them. He is an amazing man, I think he is an amazing dad, that is enough for me, for now, until/unless he changes his mind. I just think on the other, a LOT.

clumzydancer said...

Thank you for stopping by and for your thoughtful comment. I really appreciate it and I will try to start using your advice. It felt great to get it out.

I too think I would like to have another child, I keep going back and forth. It doesn't help when everyone around me is pregnant now.

Gigi said...

Two things jumped out at me here. One you mentioned that your mother wanted a big family, and once remarried you had all these siblings, but never felt close because the connection of growing up together wasn't there. Know this - even if you grow up with someone; sometimes the connection just ISN'T there. Trust me.

Two, it sounds as if your husband is afraid that he doesn't have enough love to go around for more children. My husband went through this (though he will deny it to this day) when I broached the subject of a baby. He was concerned that he couldn't love a new baby as much as he loved his daughter from a previous marriage. Guess what? He did. But you HAVE to be on the same page before you decide to let it be God's decision.

kathryn said...

This is a tough call. The last thing you want is to have finally find your soulmate and have him feel blindsided or in any way deceived.

I'd discuss alternative forms of birth control, get off the pill and see if new hubby feels differently in the future.
Just my 2 cents...but you DO have a healthy family...and that's more than some people get.

Draea Lael (Rose) said...

@kathryn and Gigi: Thanks so much. We have talked about it, a few times. I told him tonight that I felt like I needed to get off the pill due to health concerns and he was all for it. "I want you, healthy and happy, to grow old with me" Then *grin* "No more for you, then!"


Crazy Shenanigans said...

It sounds like a really tough situation. I can see both sides of it. I think I would just go for it and see what happens.

tllypooki78 said...

All I know about any of this is that I know how it feels to not feel like your family is complete. I had accepted that I was never going to have the family I thought I should have. The very second Elliot was born I knew. I knew he had completed my family and I could get my tubes tied without wondering if I would forever feel guilty. Only you know what you feel and however it works out you know how blessed and lucky in your life you are and how many people love you. I only want for you what you want for yourself my love!!!