Pouring My Heart Out: A Football Team and Two Cheerleaders.

 I grew up as an only child with a military father and a professional mother. I ALWAYS wanted siblings, especially as often as we moved. I grew up hearing my mom refer to her dream family as "a football team and 2 cheerleaders" She always wanted a house-full. After my parents divorced and remarried, I became the oldest of 4 (then 3, long story). I love my late arriving siblings, but we are not nearly as close as I would like to be, we just don't have that connection that is developed at a young age. I knew that I wanted to have at least 2 kids because I didn't want my children to be as lonely as I was, at home, growing up.

I had my first at 17, and my second at 19. Their father and I split when I was 11 weeks pregnant. I was so scared about being alone that I gave my heart to the first man that showed me attention and seemed to want to be a father to my children (he was military and we spent the first 18 months apart) . We had 2 more children in our marriage of 10 years. I found out the hard way that he just didn't know how to be a father, at all.

None of my kids were planned. They were all "failures" in contraception.

I believe that there is a reason for every one of them.

I have been remarried for almost 2 years to the most amazing man ever. He loves my kids like his own. He is my rock. Even though we have differences of opinion, we always work things out and love each other relentlessly. He is younger than me by 9 years and has told me that he is perfectly happy with our family the way we are now.

I want to have more children with this man.

He has told me that he is not sure that he wants to, but that it might change in a few years. 

I am 32. 

I feel like I am supposed to have a large family.

I have also been on birth control on and off for 15 years, mostly on.

 I am 45 pounds oveweight and my doctor has told me that based on my diet and activity, the only reason he can find for not being able to lose weight, my bad joints, etc is the fact that I have been on the pill almost half my life.

 I want to stop taking it and let things happen as they will.

The biggest fear is the finacial part. I know that we will be taken care of, that things will happen as they should, in His way, on His schedule.

But I am AFRAID!

 I am currently a semi-employed (I will sub until I find a full-time postion) teacher, and my husband's job doesn't provide healthcare.

 I want to just be able to let go and let God...it is so hard.