Between a Rock and the Proverbial Hard Place...

Any one that knows me or has read my blog knows that I am a teacher. I worked fulltime in my own classrooms for 6 years and have subbed for the last 2. I have, on several occasions, questioned my choise to stay in the career that I have always felt I was drawn to. I know that I have done good in my time in the classroom, I still get messages, texts, phone calls etc from former students, many of whom call me Mom.

The state of education as it is now is rather dismal. The environment in the schools is only part of it. The fact is, that many of us who went into education (for whatever reason) were told "you will always have a job, we will ALWAYS need teachers". Too many of us now know this to be untrue. Financial deficits has caused significant numbers of teachers and staff to be cut. Lack of funds and "low performance" (sometimes just a political load of crap) as well as the transient nature of the populace of most cities has led to the closure of numerous schools.

I know that I am a good teacher, in spite of the fact that I have been unable to find permanant employment in my chosen career. I was one of the more than 200 casualties of closing schools in my former city in Colorado. I was a 1st year teacher in district on a one year contract. I chose not to go back to the school that nearly put me in the hospital due to stress-related health issues. I was basically black-listed by the "interim administration" for not going along with the fixing of common assessment scores and standing up for my students' rights to have a safe and productive learning environment as well as my own rights as a teacher and human being. The next one and a half years I was the "favorite sub" in the 12 schools that I served. I had teachers call me 2 months in advance to make sure I would be available...especially in the middle and alternative schools.

 (For whatever reason, the "trouble kids" and I get along just fine  >.>)

I love the feeling of being rushed by kids when I walk into a school asking who I am subbing for and the reaction when they find out its one of their teachers(or not). It makes me feel good. That's what I want to do.

I want to teach.

I want my own classroom again.

I want to have the same kids every day.

I want to be able to connect with my kids and learn about who they are, who they are becoming, how they learn, how they interact with each other.

I miss that.

That's the rock.

Here's the hard place:

I haven't worked since the end of school.

Things are tight, but we're ok. Bills are paid, kids are "fat" and happy, if bored.

I know that I will probably work 4-5 days a week as a sub in the 2 districts in this area as a sub if I don't get hired on as a fulltime teacher. School starts August 5th and, so far, there are no positions available for my subject closer than an hour's drive away. (I would prefer to work close enough to get the kids off to school in the morning, even if we're not at the same school)

My husband's father found me a job.

He's got connections all over this small town and one of his good buddies is opening a big truck-stop type gas station and needs cashiers.

I have cabin fever like crazy from sitting at home all summer with 4 kids.

 I want to work.

But I am not sure if I want to take this job, even as part-time, because I KNOW that I can sub and make good money even if I don't get a full-time job. I am the kind of person that will stick with a job even if a better one comes open, especially if its only been a few months. ESPECIALLY since my FiL recommended me for it because he knows I want to work.

RAWR

I don't know what to do!

What now?

As I look back over the last 15 years of my life, I see drastic changes in my goals and desires. I used to want to be an actor, a dancer, and artist, a photgrapher...but always knew I would be a teacher...I love to learn. I love to read, I love to figure new things out, I love interacting with young people, I love seeing "the lights" come on. How better to do all those things than to teach, right?


As my life changed, the one thing that was a constant was the fact that I knew that I would always have a job as a teacher, and, for the most part, I thoroughly enjoyed that. I have met so many wonderfully amazing, painfully gifted, naively sweet, too-old-for-their-age, try so hard to be unique that they become cliche kids that I know that I have blessed many times over. I have been in the classroom for 8 years, I have seen too many changes in education and society that are detrimental to our kids that I feel like the teachers that really, truly care about kids are flickering in the hurricane force winds that are coming on strong.


I always identified myself as a teacher, mother, wife...in that order...who am I? The Draea, the ME, that I always wanted to nurture to vibrant life and share my sunshine with the rest of the world?


I have noticed a disturbing trend in my life...every time that I start something that I think that I REALLY, REALLY want to do...I don't follow it through to completion. Every hobby I have picked up has been left by the wayside...unfinished, undeveloped, unfullfilled. Even as a teacher, I have only skated along at the minimum as it relates to education, skills, requirements...the only thing that I have given my all to is the emotional lies to my students. They're all my kids, even that obnoxious ones that make me contemplate dirty deeds. I haven't even given that depth of connection to my own kids, my wonderful hubby that has kept me standing through so many pitfalls, my nuclear or extended family...and most especially, not to myself. When asked what I want to do....silence, what do you like?.....silence, what makes you happy?....tears, and silence.


I don't want to live this way anymore I want to enjoy the little things, thrive in life...be proud of not only my kids, but myself. I need some direction in my life!


Wow, this was a depressingly long post...I guess I needed to get some of the gunk out....deep breath...so now what?