Hot Mama...

I have to admit, I have a bit of a body issue.

This is me at 16. I weighed 108lbs (most of it was in my bust)

18 months later I had my daughter. I lost most of my weight after I had her.

Then I got pregnant again, and again, and again. 4 kids in 8 years.

I didn't overeat, in fact I ate only what i needed to. The kids and the preganancies were not the only reason I gained weight. I had two very difficult relationships that ended badly. I lost who I was (I am still looking, btw)

The last 15 years have not been kind to me. Stress=layers of goo that refuse to go away unless I am constantly moving, no matter how healthy or little I eat. I have the metabolism of a hippo...or as my very hillbilly neighbor (whom I adore) said, I am "a snapping turtle at the bottom of the pond". Low resting heart rate, low blood pressure, low respiration, low body temp, which all translates to my body doesn't burn anything I take in, ESPECIALLY if I am stressed, unless I am in a fast paced job like waiting tables. I can't do that anymore. I don't mind the work, but I like being at home with my family at night, especially during the school year. I also partially tore the miniscus in my right knee...but most of all, I put myself seriously in debt to have a career that may or may not get back on track. (Don't get me wrong, I will do any job that I need to in order to take care of my family, I just have my preferences)

Anywho, back to the post. >.> I ramble, its my thing.

As you have probably noticed, there aren't many pictures of me on my blog.

There's that one, in the garden, blech.

As of the last time I was anywhere near a scale, I was exactly double my weight in the above picture.

DOUBLE.

Here's the thing. I have always been confident in my abilities, my skills, my personality etc...looks, not so much. I have hated the way that I look for a long time. I hate that I have a belly flap, just skin, from having so many kids. I hate that I have rolls, like a bakery rack. But my dear hubby, Sir Geek, loves it. Loves ME. Can't imagine me at 160 lbs, let alone 108. Thinks I am dead sexy and reminds me of it daily. He calls me beautiful, sexy, amazing, and I wave him off, like "ok, right, whatever". But I know he means it.

My hillbilly neighbor and I had a chat last week while sitting by the pool watching the kids have a blast. He said "I noticed that you never get in the pool. Why is that?" I told him that I would rather not scar everyone for life, tyvm! He said, "What??? Gimme a break!" I just looked at him. His wife is a big girl, she had a hysterectemy 10 years ago and gained quite a bit of weight and hasn't been able to lose it, either. But she couldn't care less. She'd like to weigh less, for health's sake, but she thinks she's hot....so does he. She'll get all dolled up to go out in a miniskirt, cowboy boots, and a lowcut shirt and all sorts of sparklies. She looks SEXY! HB told me, you know, you've had a crazy life and have given birth to 4 kids...the weight you carry may not be what you prefer, but its a badge of honor. How you look is all about how you feel about yourself. Well, I usually feel like a burlap sackful of potatoes. That explains why I look that way most of the time.

Hmm.

I know I am not the only one.

I have so many friends that I know feel the same way, as do quite a few bloggers that I have read.

So what happens when we stop trying to be who we were at 16, 17, 18...22, 25, 30, etc and just BE us. ALL of us, all 200+ lbs of ourselves? Don't misunderstand me, its not healthy to be overweight, don't go binging on donuts, or chips, or whatever your choice of posion is. I eat healthy, I love to cook, I use fresh foods, usually organic if I can find it. I don't eat a bunch of processed foods, I barely eat sugar. I know my insides work well. Its my outside that has an issue. Would I like to weigh less? Well, duh. Do I think obsessing over the fact that I don't look like the above picture is healthy? Hell no. I realized that as long as I fret about it, I will never be motivated to do anything because all my energy goes into worrying. (I am also a worrywort, its another of my things, drives hubby crazy) I want to be happy being who I am and not have it all dependent on my looks. I am a smart, funny, talented, creative, well-spoken, loving, caring, kind, respectful, strong, independent, sweet, outgoing, outspoken, adaptable, silly, well-educated, well-rounded (HAH) easy-going, proud, not-too-proud, friendly, likeable, respectable woman that loves to cook, sing, dance, laugh, play, love and has an amazingly wonderful family and friends that really couldn't care less about how much I weigh.

Why isn't that enough?

Well...it should be.

It's gonna be.

What made me start thinking about this?? Hehe

"Hot Mama"-Trace Adkins *fans self*

Heard it in the car on my way to the post office this morning.

Go listen to it. Watch the video, (its a little racy, no kids is probably a good idea)

I love my Geek. He thinks I am one Hot Mama.

Well, I think so, too.

<3