Why, oh why...

when the house is calm and quiet and I am the only one awake, do I feel the need to look up people from my past? Some of them I miss, its cool to get in touch with them again. However, that was not the case last night.

The story:

I log into FB once more before bed to check on my baby-having brood of friends and the ones battling sickness and I glance at the section for Friend Suggestions, just cuz, its there. Well, guess who is their suggestion for me tonight? My ex-husband, whom I haven't heard from (except to email me that his oldest brother passed from liver and kidney failure due to a lifetime of alcoholism...which is the ex's biggest vice) since January of 2009. We had been divorced almost a year, separated almost 3 and I finally got fed up with his calling at weird times (when the kids were definitly not available) so I told him that I would no longer answer the phone when he called, he was to call and talk to the kids, and not expect me to entertain him for 2 hours and then blow them off. When I sent the email, my dear hubby, Sir Geek, made a bet with me, that if he couldn't talk to me, he would stop calling entirely...I acted all optimistic, "no, he loves his kids, he'll call them" even though he had only really talked to them 10 times in the 3 years he was in Iraq....needless to say, SG won the bet and now gets to remind me constantly how he can read the ex like a book. He never called again, only responded to an email I sent about him overdrafting our joint account that he refused to close.

Anywho...so, last night, like a goob, I clicky-ed on his little grinning thumbnail, and see nothing but AMGFarmVille on his wall...until about halfway down where I see a picture that he was tagged in, cheesin' it playing with another woman's 2 year old son...broke my heart a little.

Not for me, I loved him with all I had, lost a lot of myself trying to make our marriage work, let my kids down when I fell apart everytime he sent me on a rollercoaster ride from hell. But I have moved past that, I don't hate him, couldn't...its not in me to do so. (heck, I am even on speaking, tentative friendly terms with my ex fiancee that left me 11 weeks pregnant with a 1 yr old at 19 for one of his many flings) A little bit of the heartbreak was for my kids, but only a little. They're amazing and resiliant and absolutely adore SG, they don't ever ask or talk about him anymore. The older two harbor some hurt and anger for both their bio adopted dad, but that will be something that they have to be willing to work on.

Surprisingly, most of the pain was for him, the ex, the guy grinning it up, playing with another boychild, that for all I know could be his. He has no idea what he has lost and allowed my dear SG to enjoy with my crew of royal pains. I see my kids laughing and playing and loving on SG and myself with such freedom that they never felt around their father. They were scared to try and get close to him, because he would always shut them out just when they got comfortable. That is who I felt the pain for. He doesn't seem to care, there's been no emails, no attempts at phone calls, no letters, nothing...Is there something wrong with me that I am so empathetic that what should bother others gets to me more?

Then I look at my family again, and my heart lifts.