Wednesday, June 2, 2010

What now?

As I look back over the last 15 years of my life, I see drastic changes in my goals and desires. I used to want to be an actor, a dancer, and artist, a photgrapher...but always knew I would be a teacher...I love to learn. I love to read, I love to figure new things out, I love interacting with young people, I love seeing "the lights" come on. How better to do all those things than to teach, right?

As my life changed, the one thing that was a constant was the fact that I knew that I would always have a job as a teacher, and, for the most part, I thoroughly enjoyed that. I have met so many wonderfully amazing, painfully gifted, naively sweet, too-old-for-their-age, try so hard to be unique that they become cliche kids that I know that I have blessed many times over. I have been in the classroom for 8 years, I have seen too many changes in education and society that are detrimental to our kids that I feel like the teachers that really, truly care about kids are flickering in the hurricane force winds that are coming on strong.

I always identified myself as a teacher, mother, that order...who am I? The Draea, the ME, that I always wanted to nurture to vibrant life and share my sunshine with the rest of the world?

I have noticed a disturbing trend in my life...every time that I start something that I think that I REALLY, REALLY want to do...I don't follow it through to completion. Every hobby I have picked up has been left by the wayside...unfinished, undeveloped, unfullfilled. Even as a teacher, I have only skated along at the minimum as it relates to education, skills, requirements...the only thing that I have given my all to is the emotional lies to my students. They're all my kids, even that obnoxious ones that make me contemplate dirty deeds. I haven't even given that depth of connection to my own kids, my wonderful hubby that has kept me standing through so many pitfalls, my nuclear or extended family...and most especially, not to myself. When asked what I want to do....silence, what do you like?.....silence, what makes you happy?....tears, and silence.

I don't want to live this way anymore I want to enjoy the little things, thrive in proud of not only my kids, but myself. I need some direction in my life!

Wow, this was a depressingly long post...I guess I needed to get some of the gunk out....deep now what?


pTara said...

Dearest Draea,

I read your post and I cannot help but miss you all the more. As a previous student and now a friend, I can see the struggles you have gone through and proudly say that you are an over comer. Life is not easy and the easiest routes are not guaranteed. But the joy in life is waking up every morning and thanking God that another day is before us and knowing that we are blessed to be loved and to love those around us. Even in times that the future does not look promising. I read your blog and thought about the Psalms. More specifically Psalm 13. Have trust in God and continue to love and open up room to love yourself. You are an amazing women and I am super blessed to have a unique and beyond amazing friend like you in my life.

Draea Lael (Rose) said...

i <3 you!
I am truly blessed to have met and made a connection with you! You are always full of grace and beauty. The world is a better place because you are in it!