As I look back over the last 15 years of my life, I see drastic changes in my goals and desires. I used to want to be an actor, a dancer, and artist, a photgrapher...but always knew I would be a teacher...I love to learn. I love to read, I love to figure new things out, I love interacting with young people, I love seeing "the lights" come on. How better to do all those things than to teach, right?
As my life changed, the one thing that was a constant was the fact that I knew that I would always have a job as a teacher, and, for the most part, I thoroughly enjoyed that. I have met so many wonderfully amazing, painfully gifted, naively sweet, too-old-for-their-age, try so hard to be unique that they become cliche kids that I know that I have blessed many times over. I have been in the classroom for 8 years, I have seen too many changes in education and society that are detrimental to our kids that I feel like the teachers that really, truly care about kids are flickering in the hurricane force winds that are coming on strong.
I always identified myself as a teacher, mother, wife...in that order...who am I? The Draea, the ME, that I always wanted to nurture to vibrant life and share my sunshine with the rest of the world?
I have noticed a disturbing trend in my life...every time that I start something that I think that I REALLY, REALLY want to do...I don't follow it through to completion. Every hobby I have picked up has been left by the wayside...unfinished, undeveloped, unfullfilled. Even as a teacher, I have only skated along at the minimum as it relates to education, skills, requirements...the only thing that I have given my all to is the emotional lies to my students. They're all my kids, even that obnoxious ones that make me contemplate dirty deeds. I haven't even given that depth of connection to my own kids, my wonderful hubby that has kept me standing through so many pitfalls, my nuclear or extended family...and most especially, not to myself. When asked what I want to do....silence, what do you like?.....silence, what makes you happy?....tears, and silence.
I don't want to live this way anymore I want to enjoy the little things, thrive in life...be proud of not only my kids, but myself. I need some direction in my life!
Wow, this was a depressingly long post...I guess I needed to get some of the gunk out....deep breath...so now what?